My Experience with MDMA-Assisted Therapy
I was nervous. I had never done anything this intense before.
The therapist calmed me simply with her presence, and I knew immediately I was in good hands.
She led me down a short hallway, her aura flowing behind her like a cape. I followed.
We entered a small space with a big, comfy-looking couch, blanket, and eye mask. This was where it was all going to take place. She had a small alter in the room and I had brought my laughing buddha made of rose quartz to add to it. Rose quartz is said to open the heart.
We sat for a while, chatting a bit about the experience to come. She reminded me that she would be available for me in any way I needed her.
After the short rundown of what to expect, and a moment to set my intention, I swallowed the medicine.
Crashing Waves of Wellness
Lying on the cozy couch covered with the blanket, eye patch donned, she led me through a grounding meditation. I could feel my body relaxing and my fears calming. The music playing was soft and sounded a lot like chanting. After some time, the waves began to hit me.
At first, I felt a tightening in my torso, as if I was receiving a bear hug from someone extremely strong. It almost took my breath away. I then noticed I had trouble taking deep breaths and I worked diligently to keep calming my body.
I began to tell myself that I loved myself, over and over. I then told my trillions of cells to release any trauma that was still lingering in them. I told my body it was safe; I was safe.
I noticed my hands and feet were sweating profusely. I scanned my body again to assess what was happening. I was definitely warm, but not so much that I would be sweating to that degree. It was the medicine.
The hours that followed were full of lucid dreaming ~ while I was awake!
As I laid there, sweating, deep breathing through bouts of pressure in my torso, I began to feel my aura. I always knew I had one, but I never actually FELT it before. It felt quite large and extended beyond even my arm’s length.
A rush of sadness hit me as I visualized my first ballet teacher standing before me. He was a slight man, balding, strong, Russian. He grew up with Mikhail Baryshnikov in the Kirov Ballet. He was stern, but kind. He always taught class in cowboy boots and could do so many pirouettes at once that you would lose count. He took a shine to me and had me in pointe shoes by the time I was 9. I adored him. He made me love ballet.
From then on, the theme of my session seemed to be of dancing.
My next visual was my entire lineage emerging from my crown chakra and forming a giant crown. Their faces and bodies were not defined, but I knew that was who they were. The crown formed over me was a dark brown color ~ quite like adobe.
As the music shifted, I then saw all my friends, past and present, holding hands and dancing in a long line. I was dancing with them. I could feel my body tighten and soften ~ more waves. I felt my heart begin opening to all my ex-friends ~ the struggles and pain and hurtful words between us. I acknowledged them all and forgave each of them that needed forgiving for me to let go of the grief of losing them.
Follow Your Heart Chakra
My heart began to feel bigger than my body. It was my heart chakra ~ it started to pulse out beyond my aura, growing increasingly larger and brighter.
A new song brought a new lucid dream of all my teachers, mentors, and guides throughout my life. We all joined hands in a circle, and I felt my heart reaching out to the guide in the room with me, pulling her into the circle, and we all danced with pure joy. The dance seemed to relay gratitude for all that they have shared and helped me through.
Periodically, the therapist would ask if I was okay and if I needed to vocalize what I was feeling. This was a therapy session after all. But I would just share my visualizations and then go back into the next dream.
The next one was all my hospice patients, including the one still living, and we floated together in a rainbow of light. I sent them all love and hoped they were all at peace. Out of extreme caution, I have not seen my current hospice patient since the pandemic began. I had a special place in my large heart chakra for him and his family that day.
Towards the end of my experience, my dearest loves and I ascended from my crown chakra and danced in my aura. It was beautiful. And it affirmed my love for them.
Coming back into the space after five hours was not easy. I slowly sat up, drank some water, cried, laughed, stretched. I had never felt so grounded. It was as if my emotional body and my physical body had both come together in my root chakra. I was so rooted that I could barely move, or even speak. My voice was so soft and deep, which is not typically how I talk at all.
In my euphoric state, I knew that this experience was exactly what that medicine was for ~ transcending trauma.
Disarmed & Ready for Life
My heart chakra felt so big and so open that I was unable to access old tools (defense mechanisms) I normally used to protect it from the world. I realized I didn’t need them anymore. The session helped me let go of many of the reasons for them.
I have found myself saying things to people without filters. I randomly break into a heartfelt and loving “I love you” to people that know I love them, but I needed to say it anyway! I even told the trash guy that I loved him. (He saved a frog from the trash truck, among other kind things he has done, and I was moved to share my soul.)
Since the session, I have had small, odd ailments that resolve fairly quickly. I am attributing it to the permission I gave to my trillions of cells to let go of their trauma. I seem to be actively letting go of old energy that no longer serves me.
I have also noticed the shame I have felt since I was eight years old about being gay is gone. The need to hide my life no longer feels like a priority. I have forgiven my parents, uncles, cousins, grandparents. The heaviness around all of that trauma is - just gone.
Generational trauma that has plagued my family stops with me. I now feel ready to continue my life with less sorrow, pain, and heaviness.
Overall, I believe this experience was necessary for my mental and emotional health. The feeling of being disarmed ~ basically stripped of my old defense mechanisms ~ has been quite freeing.
My heart chakra continues to feel giant, and I am still unable to access old tools, I believe for the best. I guess my cute little laughing rose quartz buddha did the trick!
May you find rituals, therapies, experiences, and safety to let go of yours.
Be well, Friends
Here are links explaining the therapy I was so blessed to have experienced.
Those with PTSD, drug addiction, and other traumas have had amazing outcomes with this type of therapy.